Breaks, work outside of the home, and dancing

It's been a while since I last wrote. My mother-in-law visited soon after I returned (arrived the very next day, in fact) and that was somewhat exhausting by virtue of her being my mother-in-law (a somewhat obvious reason, I suppose). After she left, I was finally able to continue the retro-introspection I had begun during and after my visit to my past. It took me to some dark places, darker than before.

I know that I am growing into myself, and that these events served as nurturing water. More and more I am finding my true voice, discovering what it really means to follow my heart. And that there may be many paths that it will lead me down.

My therapist and I have been discussing the unholy trinity of my neurosis: perfectionism (also known as the all or nothing syndrome), the shoulds, and catastrophic thinking. And, then there's my natural tendency to rebel, so I've pretty much thrown the baby out with the bath water. Meaning I'm not doing anything I should do, even that which, regardless of other's expectations, I know that I need to do, which leads to the all or nothing approach - it's impossible to do it all, do it all well, and therefore why bother doing it at all?

Obviously, this thinking is getting me in trouble - mostly leading to guilt, so I am working on recognizing it, and then letting it be. My break is over.

I'm going to a job interview today. I need something outside of the home, away from the child. Since I'm not qualified to do what I really want to do, I'll have to settle for something that may be an interesting and learning experience and that pays more than minimum wage (even for this area, so pretty decent). I feel pretty certain that I'll get the job. They recruited me after seeing my resume on craigslist.

And then, I'll have to deal with child care. Ugh. I feel that my son is ready for it though. He likes being around other children. And, even if he's not ready. I am. The stay at home thing is not for me. Not to martyr myself, but I only stayed home with him because of him and what I felt was best for the attachment process. I can say now with certainty that he's definitely securely attached. My job is done. Haha. If only it were that simple. Child care will be another path in my journey through motherhood, as it is with many mothers. I wonder what I'll learn.

Normally, it's not my prerogative to share "the cute things that my son did today" here, but since it brought a smile to my face...there's nothing more beautiful than seeing one's child dancing to a Bach concerto. So much to learn from him. To dance to beautiful music.